Wherefore Art Thou?
by Ukaisha
Summary: Why is it that on this night, the only night that I truly need for you to be with me, you fail to come? Why do you not understand how much I love you? Why are you... Why are you ignoring me? Takuya POV, Koukuya


Disclaimer: Puppeh does not own Digimon nor makes anything even remotely similar to a profit thanks to them, though she's oftentimes amused at the fandom that spins off of it.  
Warnings: Just...some shounen-ai goodness and maybe a little language to look for. Call this edging on the end of PG-13, strictly because of a little language.

A/N: A simple, (VERY simple) short little fanficlet created in honour of Digi-World's Kurisumasu Contest. I'm aware that this fic is, oh say, three weeks late. But, deal.  
We love teh Digimon stuff. x3

Wherefore Art Thou?  
_Puppeh_

That goddamn jerk. He was just going to ignore me again. Just sit there in his damn room and not even have the decency to call me, even in the last few minutes of Christmas. Ignorant, selfish bastard. I hadn't even gotten undressed as I waited for him to at least call me. I sat here, alone and angry in the darkness. The wind was picking up outside, whistling and occasionally blowing tiny droplets of rain onto the glass. It was freezing in my room, and I wanted to pull my blanket over me, but I was sure that the second I was warm and comfortable, I would drift off asleep. I had to wait for him. I needed to at least give him the _chance. _Man, what a sucky Christmas night.  
I glare at the clock as the minutes boldly pass on by, as if unaware that the time was _supposed_ to be waiting for Kouji to catch up to it. But no, the minutes passed faithfully without pause, completely ignoring that by doing so, I would miss yet another Christmas without seeing my damn selfish boyfriend. The few minutes left just whizzing past on through the digital numbers, and I have a sense that time was not merely passing, but I was just simply losing it as it jumped ahead a few minutes at a time.  
He wasn't coming. He'd had all day to come, and just like that, with the numbers floating by, he wouldn't be coming.  
Midnight. Christmas was over, done with, good-bye, farewell, so long. There wouldn't be another Christmas night for 365 days starting right now. No amount of presents and happy spirits on this holiday could replace the fact that Kouji wouldn't even call me. Groaning, I just collasp onto my pillow, burying my face into it and sighing loudly. Why did he have to keep disappointing me like this? Today was supposed to be one of the best days of the year, and he has to be the selfish jerk he always is by ruining it for me. I can't even enjoy Christmas because of him.

I suppose I'm being a little harsh on him... it's not as though he purposely didn't want to come see me, I guess. I know it's my parents' fault; they're the ones who forbid me from speaking to him. Ever since they found out about our relationship, they banned him from our house, forbidding me from even so much as mentioning him. Most likely they just want to keep Shinya away from the concept of homosexuality, but jeeze, the kid's twelve already. If his brother, his older brother mind you, wants to kiss his damn boyfriend under the mistletoe, then let him freakin' do it. They don't despise me, I think. But they give me looks whenever I do something they consider 'gay', regardless of the fact that these things were habits of mine long before I revealed to them that Kouji was really more then a friend to me. I'm lucky that my parents aren't devotedly attempting to rid the world of all gay men, but for them to just accept me as a gay man and to let me see my boyfriend on Christmas without him fearing a blow-up, was that so much to ask? All I wanted for Christmas was Kouji. And fully aware of that fact, my parents ignored it. My father had the nerve to ask me what was wrong when I was sullen all day. What's wrong? The boy I love with all my heart isn't here for Christmas, that's what's wrong; thanks for asking.

Kouji's parents?...Not nearly as kind a response. For a good few weeks they shipped him off to live with his mother. He didn't tell me what his father had said to him when he finally told him he was gay. It concerned me, but he completely shut out the details of what happened at home, and refused to share them even with Kouichi. His mother by birth, an awfully kind woman, of course allowed me to come see him. She and Kouichi had no problem with the fact that Kouji was gay, and not to mention, had been told a month before Kouji broke it to his parents. Kouichi had just smiled, as though he already knew, which he probably did. It's extremely hard to keep secrets from that boy. He probably knew we were dating before _we_ even knew we were dating, which is indeed saying something. And his Kaa-san was extremely supportive of him. Likely, living in her position makes you extremely acceptive of people no matter what they are, and for that I find her to be an incredible person.  
She encouraged him to talk to his father about it, and me too, as this was before I'd come out to my own mother, and I'm afraid that she's the main reason that we did. We probably would've kept it a secret until graduation if left to our own devices, and maybe we should've. Everything went to hell the night we'd agreed to come out of the closet. He called me on my cell real quick, just before we did it, to give the other a little push. Then we ended with a quiet "Aishiteru", promising one or the other would call afterwards to explain how it went.

I asked my parents if I could talk to them for just a few minutes, after Shinya had gone to bed. Kaa-san immediately agreed she could talk, but Tou-san was apparently busy with some kind of work. She pulled him away from it and sat him down, scolding him that if I needed to tell them something, he could at least give me an ear. I think afterwards, he wished that he'd just gone on working.  
I could just see the surprise and shock, and the disgust in my parents' eyes. My father immediately left the room, and my mother just sat there, staring at her hands, not knowing what to say. I didn't get what the big deal was; so what? I'm gay. Big freaking deal. I'm still their son, should it really have bothered them that much? I even said this to her as she sat there, speechless for words. The answer was, yes. Yes it bothered them that much. My mother left the room as my father came in, and he promptly started grilling me: How long have I been this way, when did I just 'decide' I was gay, (Hah, as if it's a choice?) why I decided to live this way, who the hell have I been with, yada yada. And when he found out that it was Kouji whom I loved...Kouji, whom I saw every day, Kouji, who slept over almost every weekend, Kouji who had on occasion slept in my bed...  
I think he was considering ringing my neck. He just told me to go to my room, in a way that made me feel like he didn't want to see my face for a good few days. I...I have to admit, it kind of stung, you know? I was really hoping my parents would be the good kind that just accept you no matter what, and they always were before. Why is this little change in who I am drastic enough to make them look at me in a new and disturbed light?  
The next day I attempted to contact Kouji, only to be briefly and coldly told that he was not available, and not to call anymore. Kouichi later came to my house to inform me that for the time being, Kouji was staying with them, and that it would probably be a better idea if I took heed of Minamoto-san's warning not to call again. (Kouichi delivered this message much to the displeasure of my parents, who at first thought it was Kouji, then embarassed him by treating him as if he were Kouji. The very flustered Kouichi tried to explain that he was NOT Kouji, but his twin brother, then upon realizing he was not Kouji my parents thus were required to make HUGE apologies to him, then more suspicion arose wondering why the brother of my boyfriend was coming to see me the day after they banned him from our house, and all I did was just sit up on the top of the stairs, laughing my ass off) I could tell that Tomoko-san was distressed that our relationships with our parents were so frictioned because of her encouragement, but I tried to assure her that I in no way blamed her for my own parents' bull-headedness. I could blame them for mine, I said, but I can't for their own. She smiled at that.  
Every day for the weeks he was there, I went to see him to try and cheer him up. It was hard. He was depressed and somber, and though he managed weak little smiles, I felt he was still under alot of stress from this. Regardless of what Kouji says, he really cares for his father, and wants nothing more then for him to be proud of him. He doesn't care much for Satomi-san, and because he never knew his mother was alive until merely a few years ago, he feels that his father is really all he has in the world in terms of a parent. He was devastated when he was thrown out, and even my presence couldn't bring him some cheerfulness. Unfortunately, my parents finally found out where I was going everyday. They grounded me for a week, and specifically told me they didn't want me seeing him again, just in case I missed it the first couple hundred times and just in case I missed the looks of disturbance whenever I was bold enough to bring up either the topic of sexuality, or Kouji. The very name 'Kouji' became taboo in the household, and there are oftentimes I feel as though I was on the edge of a lecture, a grounding, and more grilling on my currently non-existant sex life whenever I made even a vague reference to either topic. I'm fifteen, do I look like I'd have a sex life? I just longingly sigh his name as I imagine a seemingly distant future White Day where we wouldn't have to hide ourselves from anyone.  
When Kouji's father finally took him back, he was apparently very sorry for it. In the same breath as his profuse apologies, he threatened that I never step foot in their house again, and that Kouji never even look at me again. This is all that Kouji repeated to me.

Despite his need for his father's respect, Kouji does come see me, sometimes. I mean, he loves me, right? He can't just be put off by a little threat. We meet in public when we have our other friends backing up our alibis; Izumi for me and Kouichi for Kouji. They're the two perfect alibis for us. My parents want me to spend more time with girls, hoping that I'll somehow switch back over from one team to the other. And Kouichi is Kouji's brother. Enough said. You simply can't just tell two brothers they can't go out and do something together; that would just be beyond wrong.  
We go to movies. We eat lunch. We hold hands, we cuddle, and we kiss. We act like a normal couple, always expecting to be barraged by homophobes from all around, and we are never bothered. If nobody else is bothered by us, why just our parents? If everyone else can accept us for what we are, a young couple in love, then why not them? Why is it just our parents that have to hate us? Why is it just them who have to make me alone on Christmas?  
It's not Christmas anymore, I have to remember. Kouji missed Christmas again.  
I hate Kouji right now because I hate everyone right now. Everyone's left me alone on Christmas day; even my family, whose greatest wish would be for me to confess that I magically somehow was not gay and spontaneously presented a girlfriend. Kouji could've done anything to see me, and I probably could've gotten out for just a few minutes. I would've worked with anything. Even if he couldn't have managed seen me, considering his father is really picky about his explainations for leaving the house, he could've just sent Junpei over with a christmas card saying he loved me. But nothing? Absolutely nothing? That's nice, Kouji. Real nice. Leave me all alone on Christmas; again, might I add.

He did this last Christmas, too. Before our parents even knew we were a couple. Before they even guessed that all the time we spent together meant more then strong friendship. He was afraid, he told me, after I waited all day for him to call and went to bed that night nearly in tears. Afraid? Afraid of being with his own boyfriend? Afraid of being caught in a relationship he thinks he shouldn't be having? Does that mean he's embarassed of me? Does he wish that we weren't together; is he ashamed of me? I have to bury my head under my pillow even more, just to try and block out the thought. It was too much; Kouji loved me. I knew he did. He was slightly cold sometimes, and a little bit of an ass-hole, but he was certainly still in love with me, right?  
12:09. Christmas ended nine minutes ago. Now that I don't care about the time, it's trudging along. I'm beginning to hate that damn holiday. I never want to hear the word 'Christmas' ever again.  
He never really explained why he ignored me all Christmas day, he just did, that's all. Because he was afraid. I wonder if that's his problem now: is he just too afraid of coming to see me on the one day of the year it means the most to me? He disappoints me so often during the rest of the year; he can't get out of the house, he has to go home early, he couldn't sneak past his parents, whatever. Excuses, excuses. Why does he have to be such a jerk like that? Why can't he just admit that they can try to keep us apart, but they can't keep us from loving one another? Our parents can't just control the way we feel about each other...or do you really not care, Kouji? Do you just not care enough about me to take a few simple risks?  
I feel warm tears sliding down my cheeks. Jee, thanks jerk, you've ruined Christmas for me, because you know what? I'm never happy unless I'm with you.  
Nothing means anything to me unless it involves Kouji, because then it's just another empty point in time to me. Without seeing Kouji, I might as well not have had a Christmas at all. I'm trying to stay angry at him, but I can't. I just can't stay angry at that beautiful, sexy boy, even if he does hurt me. I want nothing more right now then to be holding him, and yet he's not here. He ignores me and my tears in this lonely, joyless night. Shoving my head into my pillow I continue to sob for my boyfriend, wishing that he would just for once come for me without any hesitation. Our damn parents didn't matter; it was about us, not them. Why couldn't Kouji just see that?  
Well fine. If he wants to stay home in his little prison and never come for me unless it's convenient for him, then fine. Whatever. If he won't give a damn about me, then I won't give a damn about him. Him and his damn attitude. Keep your gorgeous evil glares and your charming wit to yourself, you bastard. Like I care.  
I sobbed again, muffling the sound with my wet pillow. Of course I cared. I cared so much it was killing me to not have him here with me right now. I wanted him more then anything, if even just a little card that read, "Aishiteru", to just remind me that he actually gave a damn. I didn't care about presents, I just wanted my koibito.

I eventually stopped crying as the night slowly trudged on. I hid my face in my pillow, occasionally ramming a fist in the side, and then hugging it lovingly. I would just have to try and arrange a meeting with him tomorrow; say I'm going to Kouichi's to do one thing or another, and hopefully we can meet up. If not, maybe the next day. Maybe he'll manage to slip something to Kouichi. Maybe he misses me as much as I miss him right now. Or maybe I'm just kidding myself. Or maybe he doesn't care if he ever sees my face again. Maybe he finally just got so fed up with this secret relationship, he finally stopped. I started hitting my pillow again, making pitiful whimpering and groaning sounds into it. Maybe the bastard was just going to forget I exist; that would solve all his little problems, wouldn't it? Maybe he'd just decide that he was better off pretending to be straight then admitting he was gay. Maybe-  
_Tap, tap, tap.  
_It was a very quiet sound at the window, like someone only just hardly, barely touching it with a fingernail. I stilled in my screaming fit into the pillow, waiting to see if it came again.  
_Taptaptaptaptap._ More insistant this time.  
I rolled out of bed and scrambled to the window, almost about to open it, and hesitating. It would be Kouji, it had to be Kouji.  
_Tap-tap-tap, taptaptap, tap-tap-taptaptap. _I grinned. Jingle Bells.  
I opened the window to see if it really was him. Our house is two story, but my room is on the bottom floor whilst my parents' and Shinya's is on the top. Sure enough, when I'd pulled it open, there he stood, looking freezing cold and a little tired, but smiling very weakly all the same. His clothes looked a little wet, and I realized why as the gusts of cold winter air blew tiny icelike droplets of rain in my face. The sight of him made me want to burst into tears again and hug him for coming, but suddenly, I was far too angry with him to be happy that he'd come, even late.  
"Well look who finally showed up in time for Christmas to be over."  
Kouji smiled drooped. "You're supposed to say, 'Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?' And something else that I forgot after that."  
A freezing blast of chilly December air exploded through the window, and I shuddered from the cold. Kouji started coughing from being outside for who knows how long, and I suddenly felt kind of bad about it.  
"Well, come in then." I moved away from the window to allow him some space to crawl in. I was already at my bed when his feet hit the floor, and was laying back on my pillow facing away from Kouji as he closed the window with a final blast of wind forcing itself inside. Kouji's hawkish eyes saw well in the dark, plus there was a streetlamp fairly near my window. I didn't want him to see I'd been crying. I vigorously rubbed my eyes and attempted to clear my nose before it started dripping, which must've been a dead giveaway anyhow.  
He said nothing for a moment.  
"I didn't realize it was already over," he admitted awkwardly. "I thought I had least had twenty minutes before midnight."  
I raised my head a little to peek at my clock, and scoffed. 12:37. Over half an hour ago, Christmas ended.  
"Well, you're too late," I muttered stubbornly, just laying back on the pillow. "And what do you care? You don't even like Christmas."

Kouji sat gently on the edge of my bed, laying down with me and putting his arms around me. He was freezing cold and a little damp, and I had the feeling that he was cuddling for the sake of his own warmth as well as my comfort.  
"I meant to come earlier," he whispered, laying his head down on my neck. "Time kind of escaped me. I was just trying so hard not to get caught, that I ended up taking far more time then I planned for."  
"You kept me waiting," I just replied bitterly, digging my face into the pillow. "I sat here all day, alone, just wishing you could've done something, anything! I didn't care what you did, I just wanted to see you. And last year, and again, it's like...like you didn't even care," I managed to say it without breaking, except for the last few words. I sobbed them, then hid my face even deeper into my pillow.  
Kouji was shivering against my body, and he hugged me tighter. "Takuya, I'm sorry. I really am so, so sorry. I wanted to be here, but sometimes, things just don't turn out how they're supposed to be."  
"Well. That sucks," I pouted into my pillow, "that's when you force them into being what you want them to be. Force your way through your parents to come here, or just say your going to Kouichi's..."  
"And be thrown out in the rain and told never to come back? I don't know if you haven't noticed, Takuya, but I can't even go see my own brother anymore. They figured out I was using him to get to you. I haven't seen Kouichi or my Kaa-san in days." Kouji sounded bitter and angry.   
No. I didn't know that and I hadn't figured that out. No one had told me. Was his father really that cold? Was Kouji really regretting that he'd kept up his relationship with me?  
"And if my Tou-san finds out that I came over here anyway... he probably would just throw me out. My Kaa-san can't afford to keep herself and _two_ sons, what am I going to do if I don't take precautions and end up without a home?"  
"Y-you could've still come stay here...my parents are a little close-minded, but they wouldn't just keep you out in the cold-"  
"How would you know what your own parents would do anymore?" he snapped back, struggling to keep his own emotions in check. "In their eyes, your an embarassment; your just a faggot, no matter who you were before you admitted you were interested in other boys. You not their son anymore, you have no idea the lengths they'd go to now. Why would they help me just because it would make you happy? Especially knowing what we _are_?"  
I felt another barrage of tears begin to slide down my cheeks. "And what we are is something to be ashamed of?"  
"It's something we need to be careful about, considering our parents completely control our future right now, don't you think about that? What would we do if they suddenly threw us out of our homes? Where would we go? How would we ever get through college? If we couldn't get through college, how could we get through life successfully? We could ruin our lives if we aren't being careful. And if I'm a little late to come wish you a Merry Christmas, then Goddamn, at least I'm still here, I wasn't caught, and I got out while still having a home to go home to."

I scooted away from him and sat up, hiding my face in my arms that rested on my raised knees. I'm sure Kouji knew I was crying, but somehow, it would be so much worse if he actually saw the tears flowing. Gods, I didn't mean to keep crying like this, it's just the way he said these things to me... they just killed me inside.  
"Well, if all this is just so much of a problem, then why don't we just stop it? If you seem to be so damn worried about what might be instead of what is, then just break up with me already."  
"Takuya..."  
"Shut up!" I yelled back at him, hugging my knees and still hiding my face. "Go back to your neat little life with your family without giving yourself a headache on how you're going to deal with your boyfriend today. At least that'll make you happy. Just stop making me feel like you couldn't care less, and for me not to know whether the feeling is true. I know you're tired of stressing out over me...just say it to my face and break up with me. Actions are louder then words, right? Well, that's all you've got to do to go back to freedom, right? Soon as you're straight again, your life's suddenly loads better because you don't have that _gay_ problem anymore."  
The wind violently blew against my window, showering the glass with bullets of ice and rain. I felt a chill rush down my spine.  
Kouji quietly and disbelievingly said, "Jesus Takuya, do you think I try to make you feel like that purpose? I wanted to be here with you more then anything, you can't think that I'm embarassed of you."  
"Sometimes I do, you know!" I jerked my head up at him, letting him finally see the saddness leaking from my eyes. "I love you, you know, I still do. But for once, just don't act like it's so wrong for me to love you! Just you and your little _gay_ problem, that's all, right?" I looked away from him as my mouth quivered again, struggling to keep from releasing another sob.  
I felt the bed move; supposedly Kouji was pulling himself up. He put one arm around me and his hand on my head, stroking it like one would a beloved pet. His voice softened. "You're not my problem, Takuya. Never, ever think that you're just my little 'gay' problem. You're not the one to make me stressed out or give me a headache. It's all my parents, okay? It's all their fault. This has nothing to do with you, or the fact that you're a guy. I wouldn't leave you for the world. And, even though I sometimes don't show it... I love you. I really, really do love you. And as for your parents, well, I'm sure they still love you too; they just need a little time to adjust to the fact that you're gay. It's... it's just...hard for me to see things that way, what with how things are with my parents, and... you know. I guess I just sort of start to think about things the way my father does, because he says them so often."  
"We're not faggots, Kouji," I whispered pathetically to my bedsheets. "That's a disgusting word, I don't give a damn what your Tou-san says, never just group yourself in with a horrible word like that."  
"I know, Koi-chan, I try to think of things that way. But I just have a little bit more of a cynical mind then you. I wish I could always try to see the good of things, like you do. You know, you usually just make me so happy, and so calm, that I have a very clear mind and I start to think about things. I usually only think about the good things, but sometimes I just think... about my father, and you and I, and it just upsets me whenever I think of why we can't just be together all the time. For such a stupid reason as 'We're both boys'? I get passionate about some things because you make me feel so strongly about them."   
"Me?"  
"Why do you think I love you so much?"  
"I have no idea?"  
Kouji sighed and out of the corner of my eye, I saw that he smiled. "I'm glad that's settled, then." He lifted my head and turn it so that I looked at him. "And by the way, " he began, kissing my fourhead and tenderly wiping away a clinging tear, "Merry Christmas."

I had to smile, and glanced over at the clock. Kouji's eyes followed mine, and we both stared at the gleaming digital numbers in the darkness. 12:59 A.M. I closed my eyes and sighed, leaning into him. "Thou art late, Romeo."  
"Will you settle for 'Merry _Belated_ Christmas?'"  
"This depends on what my Romeo has gotten his Juliet for this 'Belated Christmas.' "  
"Not a damn thing."  
"Well. That sucks."  
"You know, it's still 11:59 in _some_ countries."  
"I suppose you're right. And my gift?..."  
"May I improvise?"  
"Give it a shot."

He pulled me into him, kissing me deeply and passionately in the darkness of Belated Christmas Night, the chilling wind and rain still rebelliously screaming in the background. His clothes were damp and cold, and we were shivering from the chill; but to have him embrace me on this night, and to have him loving me on this night, nothing could have warmed my heart more then having my lover here with me.


End file.
